One year ago today, turning 39 in Belize, I could not have predicted what the next year would have in store for me.
All in one year, I lost it all.
Instead of returning from Belize to start a family with my partner of 6 years, I witnessed it all fall apart.
He set me free 9 months before my 40th birthday, leaving me in complete shock and shame.
Where did I go wrong?
What did I do to deserve this?
What was wrong with me?
I grieved, and grieved again.
I cuddled into my cat Dinosaur, sobbing into her fur.
She disappeared a few weeks before Christmas.
At the same time, witnessing a painful family dynamic unfolding, leaving me in more shock and shame at how generational trauma manifests.
A dark winter, holidays alone.
Thankful for my housemates, yet still feeling utterly alone.
I grieved, and grieved again.
You didn’t hear from me.
Nobody heard from me.
I scaled back on coaching.
I left social media.
I have no photos of myself for over a year.
I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed.
I couldn’t be present, my brain processing trauma...his, mine, my family’s, my ancestors. It all came flooding in.
Sitting in pain, witnessing, accepting.
I took a journey inward.
This was an inside job.
I dove into my Shadow.
I dove into Generational Trauma.
I sat in my own pain, I witnessed my dark thoughts, my Victim Part screaming at all the injustices of life.
I saw generations of women before me, struggling, being victimized, passing it down, living out ancestral wounding patterns, fists raised in anger and victimhood.
Month after month,
Wave after wave,
knocking me down.
When would this end?
Feeling utterly unsafe in a world that I’d always felt safe in.
By February I was coming out of my shell, making plans again.
A trip back to Colorado, seeing Pearl Jam for my childhood best friend’s 40th, doing another 10-day Vipassana meditation course.
By March, everything I’d been looking forward to...cancelled.
The fucking irony.
A global virus stealing my name.
A path of destruction.
Fear. Spinning us all into fear and the wild unknown.
I reached out to my mom, who was hostile and in her own wounding story.
No other human could help me now.
This was my journey, and deeper and deeper inside I traveled.
I sang love songs to myself, I communed with nature, I spoke with Spirit, I sat in stillness.
I began to laugh at the absurdity that had unfurled.
Enter Radical Surrender.
Time and time again, I surrendered.
Surrendering is not giving up.
Surrendering is about accepting what is.
Trusting in the wild unknown.
Building something out of the wreckage.
Grasping for gratitude through the muck.
Releasing the Victim and accepting that life is life, and doesn’t owe me anything.
I owe it to myself.
I owe it to myself to remember that life isn’t happening TO me, life is happening FOR me.
By April, I was benefitting from a Deepak Chopra meditation course.
Reconnecting with abundance.
Remembering my strength, my resilience.
With my beautiful housemates, we planted a garden.
We raised baby ducklings.
We raised 20 baby chicks.
We built community, we played together in the desert.
By May, I was benefitting from joining a Sacred Women’s Circle.
Reconnecting with my Self, my Goddess, my Warrior, being seen and loved and witnessed by other Sacred Goddesses.
I felt empowered, in my skin.
I took selfies again.
I laughed again.
I was present again.
I danced again.
I put time and energy into my coaching business again.
In the midst of global chaos, I found myself.
A better, brighter, lighter, energized, stronger, taller, glowing, wise, empowered Humble Light Warrior who had crawled through the Valley of Darkness on behalf of myself, my ancestors, my family, my ex-partner, generations of women before and after me, my future children & great great great grandchildren, and future versions of myself. To emerge anew.
On June 1st, I extended a Sacred No to my ex who reached out to repair things. I had spent the previous fall, winter, and spring healing this, grieving this, letting this go, wishing him well, loving myself. With all the love and compassion in the world, I wished him well on his journey, and expressed gratitude for the good times, of which there were many. I expressed gratitude for the wisdom I’d gained for the not-so-good times. This chapter has closed, as I now know what true Self Love looks and feels like.
I witnessed my Self Talk.
What a shift.
I heard myself say I deserve good things.
I deserve love and abundance and all the good things life has to offer.
I deserve good things.
I deserve good things.
On June 2nd, at 4:44pm on a Tuesday afternoon, I was gifted a cosmic connection.
A fellow healer, light worker, data nerd, scientist, lover, best friend, energetic match, someone I’d spent many lifetimes with, and took lifetimes to find again.
Did we find each other fumbling through the darkness?
We magnetized through our Light.
We found each other in our wholeness.
June was a month of JOY.
Crying tears of joy and gratitude.
Looking into another human’s eyes that are reflections of my own, and saying that every moment of pain, every tear of despair, was worth it, to bring me into complete alignment with myself and with another being.
July 3, 2020.
I am 40 years old today.
I have been through hell and heaven on earth.
All in one year, I gained it all back, and more.
Beautiful housemates, beautiful partner, beautiful abundant gardens, beautiful silly chickens, beautiful land and nature, beautiful medicine, beautiful community.
Beautiful Bend, Oregon.
The universe dropped me here with no job, no place to live, no friends, no partner. This beautiful community that opened its arms to me.
This beautiful life.
I am truly humbled.